For the good of my mind, body, and soul, I must get rid of these other personalities… That’s what Dr. Kinless said. I guess I agree. I would love to have my time back. I find that when I black out, sometime I lose a whole day. Not to mention sometimes there is a path of havoc that leads from my cell. It seems that Terrance Stone is bent on escaping. He’s relentless and he is hurting so many people. I wish, most of all, that Terrance Stone would leave.
“You must take control,” said Dr. Kinless, “You must convince them that you no longer need them and merge them into one psyche. One trick I would recommend, try to redefine yourself. Allow yourself the responsibility of a father…”
“And what else? Become a flamboyant, homicidal lunatic?”
“No, you’re missing the point,” said Dr. Kinless, “It’s not about becoming them, it is about allowing yourself to become similar. Terrance was born because a part of you was rebelling against an abusive father. Edward and Rina were born out of pure idealization. Sunny… Well I think Sunny was constructed to allow you to relax.”
“I’m sorry Dr. Kinless, who is Sunny again?”
“Sunny is… Do you know of the concept of Zen?”
“A path towards enlightenment. He is calm, he is wise, but he has some draw backs.”
“He honestly sounds like a guy I really want to be.”
“No, not completely,” said Dr. Kinless, “He likes the drugs we provide here, to you.”
“You mean, you created in me a druggy?”
“Now before you overreact, I think you should remember that when you came here, we didn’t really know what was going on inside you. We did what we thought would help. But that part of you, that more spiritual and enlightened part of you is addicted to sedatives. It is probably is essence trying to calm your whole, but… Sunny, when he is around, is typically trying to get more medication from the nurses. In fact he released Terrance in order to be tranquilized. He is complex. I assume he was born out of pure anxiety and a desire to be apart from all of society.”
It was then that I remembered the beginning of high school. Jennifer and her girlfriend had split up sometime after middle school and we walked into the high school and down its large hallways, with all the upper classmen looking at me… I was petrified. Jennifer and I and everyone else we knew were being thrown to a pack of boars. They grunted; they hissed. They were effectually a group of higher animals that were judging with bladed glares.
“I think I might have another heart attack,” I said, jokingly to Jennifer.
“Please do, so we can go back to the quiet hospital,” she said smiling.
“What if I die?”
“It will be better than high school.”
It probably would have been better than high school. Jennifer and I had some classes together, that was fine. But I began to have some serious panic attacks. Seniors knocking my books out of my hands, teachers yelling at me for being late, and kids tripping me in the lunch line. It was like middle school and grade school all over again.
It was getting so bad that my step dad begrudgingly got me a prescription for Xanax. That was the best couple of months ever. I was there. I was so cool and calm. I was on top of my game and yet I couldn’t have been any more laid back. I accepted that there were some things I couldn’t understand or control. It was exhilarating.
I gave some to Jennifer. She loved me for that. I mean as a friend. As far as I know, she’s still a lesbian to this day. It wasn’t just her unfortunately. I found that I became very popular among my class and some upperclassmen. I was supplying so many pills to so many people and putting smiles on every face. Everyone began calling me Sunny. My first nickname; it made me happy.
Eventually the teachers found out and I was caught and suspended. That was the day things began to happen. That was when my step dad had had enough and he was going to pound me worse than before. And I guess it was also the day that I had had enough too.
I remember my mom waking me up in my bed. Cops were beside her, my father writhing on the floor. His arm was broken and a couple of ribs too. He was being carried out and I was being taken by the cops. I was going to Juvi.
The incident played on the news, but I have a feeling that everyone in school found out about it way before then. Bad news tends to travel fast especially in high school. I had some visitors. Usually my mom and Jennifer. I didn’t really know anyone else.
I quickly became feared by every boy there. I had my second black out there, so there’s the reason. After that I was in a single room, locked in nearly all day. Meals were taken to me; I didn’t eat with any of the other kids anymore. I guess I preferred it that way.
I began to talk to Edward everyday. He was all I had when my mom and Jennifer weren’t around. When I was in my room I fantasized, mostly about my life with Jenn. I knew it probably wouldn’t happen. We flirted a lot, but we also checked out the same girls, so… yeah. A man can dream right? I drew in a notebook my mom gave me. It became my only physical friend while I was locked up. I would draw myself as Sunny and draw Jennifer next to me and our house and our children. I never ever showed her that picture and I never will. I was fifteen.
Eventually I began to black out even more. I was seeing the school shrink and he was confused as to what was going on. They thought I was bipolar. They told my mother and Jennifer that I was becoming violent. Jennifer didn’t believe them at first, but then one day they came for a visit. I don’t remember that visit. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what I said. All I know is that a day later I received a letter from Jennifer saying that she couldn’t be my friend anymore. I lost a whole day. I don’t know what happened. I can only assume, now, that Terrance did something very unforgivable.
I hope I can get rid of him soon and I hope that one day Jennifer can forgive me.
“So,” said Dr. Kinless, “That is the most I think you have ever opened up to me about the incident with your father.”
“Yeah… I can’t say I know what happened. I can only assume. I wasn’t there.”
“Yes,” said Dr. Kinless, “However, and this is not to alarm you, but when the merging process occurs, you might fully realize those things.”
“Really? Then Doc, what kind of incentive do I have to merge?”
“You’ll be able to go out of here and never come back. Wouldn’t that be good?”
Why would I want to leave. This place has everything I need: food, water, and candy. Sorry Doc, I let Jamie take a break. He works too hard to figure things out. He needs to relax every once and a while.
“Hello Sunny,” said Dr. Kinless, “I think that you can appreciate a place like this because you have a false understanding about the world. We need to live in it, not lie on it.”
I like your philosophy. It spreads light, but it is a little dim. Nothing matters. What is built shall be destroyed and out of the wreckage comes new life. Sometimes it is nice to watch the flowers grow instead of tend to them.
“Interesting theory, but you are forgetting that you can just as easily watch by merging with Jamie and letting him grow and learn and find his own path.”
As a guide to Jamie, I feel that you have a good point of view, but mine is more serene. He can work and toil or just exist. To exist is all we really have. Nothing comes from toil and structure. Structure is torn down and the toil was for nothing. All that is needed is food, water, and candy. What more could Jamie ask for? He is happy here.
“What about Jennifer?”
“What about Jennifer?” I said.
“Hello Jamie,” said Dr. Kinless, “I hope that we can continue this conversation tomorrow and continue on our way to you becoming whole again.”
“If I became whole, would I be able to see Jennifer again?”