Dear Howard

I know very little about you. I met your girl. She’s funny and sweet, a little awkward, but that’s perfect for me. She spoke very highly of you, but something changed which scared her away. I think it was because you loved her.

I love her too, and I did the same thing you did. I chased her away because my love wasn’t patient; it wasn’t kind. I tried to force something that should never be forced, but that needs space to grow… time. I tried so hard to make something happen that all I did was smother the embers that were already there.

I made an awful first impression. I was trying to be someone I wasn’t because my past told me I should. In truth, if I had just been myself from the beginning, I probably would still be near her. 

Don’t get me wrong, the times we were close were some of the most painful. I had to swallow my feelings just to keep things together, and to see her one last time.

I think she saw my pain. She asked me about it once, but I just shook my head and faked a smile. I wonder if she knew how fake it was…

I hear you are doing better now. I heard you found someone else and got married. You probably have a couple of kids. I hear your family won’t let her speak to you. I understand that. She probably caused you more pain than she caused me, but, at least on my part, my pain was self-inflicted.

I could have let go and moved on. I could have stopped thinking about her. I could have faced my fear of losing and just realized that it wasn’t really losing at all…

Real love needs space and time. She offered me friendship, but I was selfish and impatient. 

I want to say I’m better now, that there isn’t a hole of painful emptiness, but I can’t. I can say I’m healing. I can say I’ve learned something. I can say that if I do find another as brilliant as your girl, I will be friends first. I will be patient. I will be genuine and kind. I will not continue to make the same mistakes.

Sincerely,

Your Girl’s Admirer